He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
