I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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