you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize