i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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