I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
