i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
