If i come over, it means nothing
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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