awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
even my farts smell like vagina
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
