he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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