According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
