You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
