the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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