I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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