He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
