Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i out mim tonsoeep
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
