rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
