Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
