I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
