you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
