I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize