Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
