too bad you live with your parents still
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
