I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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