I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
