Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
