I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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