Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
