I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
