i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize