Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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