Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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