I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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