Even the bartender felt bad for me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
