if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize