a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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