i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
