Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
