I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
