Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
