The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize