Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
