Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
