So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
