so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have aggressive nipples.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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