hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
