I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
