I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
