Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
