I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
