forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
