she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
As shirtless as possible
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize