Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
