But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
