The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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