I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize