So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
