just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize