i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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