...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
